THE PRODIGAL THAT TURNED HOMEWARD
A FIVE PART SERIES
Dedicated to Shane, our only son of 4 kids, who has been sober from drugs and other things for 10 years now 2020
Prayer is the Greatest Gift you can give your Child: Your Child belongs to God not you!
“Unless the Lord Builds the house those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”
PSALM 127:1-5
When my husband and I travel, I often run into parents, especially moms, whose children aren’t walking with the Lord. Their hearts are broken and I understand their pain.
We watched nine or more of our son’s friends die many drug related deaths. During our son, Shane’s, five year addiction with drugs, we wondered if his turn would come. Please read “One Mother’s Journey of RAISING a Prodigal” by Sterling O’Neill, a 5 part series as the story unfolds. Part 1: Shane’s Early Years ; Part 2: Years of Pain ; Part 3: High School Years; Part 4: Coming to End of the Line; and Part 5: Changed Heart.
HIGH SCHOOL YEARS
(Part Three)
“My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.” Psalm 139:15
To hide the pain, Shane, our 3rd child and only boy, was experiencing, he turned to what he thought the world had to offer. He thought it might bring some kind of happiness back into his life or numb the pain he was feeling. It looked inviting. It looked good! He delighted in it. Satan made the world look good to Shane.
Since Shane’s heart and desires were turned in that direction, it was natural for him to want to experiment with what the world had to offer. He turned to drinking, drugs, smoking, sex, and whatever the world handed out. Over the next five and a half year span, whatever the world had, Shane tried. He began to make one bad decision after another. He soon realized the path he was going down was leading to destruction. He also thought he had the ability to turn back anytime he wanted. Another lie he was listening to from Satan.
My friend kept telling me about “Moms in Touch” at that time, now called “Moms in Prayer.” I finally listened and found and joined a group not far from my home and school of my kids. As we met and prayed weekly, I would see one prayer after another answered in my son’s life. I figured if I could see even the smallest things in Shane’s life being answered, then God still had his hand on Shane and he would eventually come back to God. This is not always true or a guarantee but I wanted to believe it. I was in search of hope.
Another friend of mine told me “God will complete what he had started.” (Philippians 1:6) “It is God working in Shane’s life not the decisions he makes or doesn’t make that I should be looking at. God loves Shane and loves you. Look to Him.”
Reminising: When Shane was 5 years old I asked him “Shane, what do you want to be when you are all grown up?” He said, “I want to be just like Daddy, a preacher”. This mother pondered all these things in her heart even to this day.
When he was 8 years old Shane wanted to go forward in church and accept the Lord into his heart. I wasn’t sure if he was sincere but Scripture tells us that we are to come unto the Lord as little children and we should not refuse them. Now, I was looking at what Shane was doing to harm himself and grieved, and not to who God is, for encouragement. So this elementary truth in Philippians 1:6, of looking to God, brought comfort to this weary parent, giving me hope.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6
My husband traveled a lot in those days but was still very active in my son’s life. However, most days I was the one home with Shane and had to live out the decisions Shane was making. Every day Shane would leave the house I would say: “Shane, I am praying for you and love you”. I thought he would then know when something happened or didn’t happened it would be God! He would think, “Mom must be praying”. This was, this one mother’s strategy. :}
“If mom and dad are not there then I can get away with things.” He might reason. But my thinking was: Even if mom and dad are not there, maybe he would know God is, therefore Shane would think he couldn’t get away from God . He then would one day turn to Him. Moms in Prayer, was a lifesaver for me in those days.
Many days were lonely, so I am thankful for Moms’ in Prayer. It was something I didn’t dare miss because it’s hard to share things about your children and Moms’ in Prayer was a safe place:
One: you love them. Two: you don’t want people to judge you or your child. There are many things about them that are good! Three: it is a very vulnerable time and you don’t know who to trust, especially parents who find themselves in public ministry. Maybe you can relate?
We also had a small group from church and a few close friends who prayed. People whom we trusted to share some of those intimate thoughts with and knew they would be praying for us and would give us good advice.
There were many times we wanted to kick Shane out of the house thinking this would be the best thing but we couldn’t bring ourselves to do it. We erred on the side of mercy rather than law. We tried to keep as open a communication with Shane as possible to allow for him to share with us, while drawing the boundaries where needed.
We tried to put Shane in front of as many godly people as we could to influence him or where he might share some of those intimate parts of his heart with. I organized a yearly prayer time with ladies in partnership with Cru who started *“Prayers for Prodigals” every year on June 2nd. I included Shane’s name where thousands would be praying for him all over the world. I believe in prayer! I believe in the God whom I pray to!
Freshman Year : When Shane was 15, he wanted to go to public school. My husband felt like this would be good for Shane since he had been around Christians all his life, in a bubble so to speak. This scared me, but deep down it seemed the right thing to do.
I was thinking “But you are the one who travels. I would be the one back here, picking up the pieces if something happens.” There was a lot of fear. But I told him I would pray about it. As I talked to several of my friends someone said “Isn’t the God in the private school the same one in the public school? So if God wants your son there He will show you.” Ouch! Then I remembered the Prodigal Son Story. The Father had to let him go. I got the message and we let Shane go to the public school in September.
By January, Shane asked to go back to the private School. I smiled at God!
Sophomore Year: By the end of his Sophomore year, however, the private school told us at the end of the year, discreetly, that Shane couldn’t come back. Many of Shane’s friends were getting in trouble and getting kicked out of school. Shane was such a good kid they said, but they had their doubts because they couldn’t put their finger on just “who is this Shane”? They felt that they had done all they could for Shane. Some parents on the board felt that even though they couldn’t catch Shane on anything, they concluded in some way Shane was being a bad influence on their kids and they didn’t want him back. Of course I was heartbroken but as they shared with a heart of compassion I knew Shane needed to hear this! The principal of the High School, took time to disciple Shane’s heart through the process too.
Junior Year: The next year we decided to homeschool Shane. My husband, Jim, slowed down his travels to invest more time in Shane which was a loving act on his part.
Senior Year: Shane’s Senior year he asked if he could go back to public school in order to graduate with his friends. Life was like a roller coaster of emotions and various events with Shane which this blog doesn’t have room to put it all. But you get the gist. As Shane neared the end of the year, he barely graduated.
Shane turned 19 and at that same time my husband took a new job. We would now be moving from PA to TN. We encouraged Shane to stay in PA. but we would keep in touch as much as he wanted. This would give Shane a chance to spread his wings, to grow up and be all that he desired he thought he wanted to be.
We felt like we were enabling Shane. God could have his way with Shane now without us trying to fix things. Shane would have to face and take responsibility now for his own choices. It was one of the hardest decisions we ever made, but we all agreed. He was 19 now.
Principle 3: Prayer is the Greatest Gift you can give your Child: Your Child belongs to God not you!
(Prodigal Son being embraced by the Father)
BELOW ARE TEN THINGS YOU MIGHT FIND HELPFUL TO CONSIDER
1. Find one truth about God for your child and say it to them as often as you can. example: “Shane, I am praying for you”, or for another child it might be, “God loves you and so does mommy and daddy”! Today our son, Shane is our number one prayer warrior. What phrase might you pray over your own son or daughter or say to them when they leave the house that you might want them to rememeber when you aren’t around about God?
2. Again, seek the heart, not the behavior. Often the decisions our children make are hiding the pain or void they feel in their heart. Whether it is pain, wanting to fit in, wanting to feel like they belong, their view of what they think God is or thinks of them, curiosity, etc… Ask God to fill that void in their lives. This often means building a relationship with your child and spending time getting to know their heart. What ways are you or can you slowly build that relationship with your child?
3. Find ways to make Jesus alive and beautiful in the eyes of your child. Paul Tripp, who wrote “Age of Opportunity”, says that you should focus on the heart of your child not always the behavior. Behavior can change for a little while but it is the heart that brings transformation over the long haul. Find ways to make Christianity and Jesus alive and beautiful in the eyes of your child, Paul says. Pick your battles and boundaries as well. What ways can you find to make Jesus alive and beautiful in the eyes of your child?
A few ways we found were opportunities to pass down stories of God working in our own lives or reading Biographies of missionaries and God at work around the world. Took our children on trips with us where we had times to talk and they could see us working with others.
4. Prayer for our children is the most important act you can do for your children. Pray specifically for them. For example: *prayerforprodigals.com, small group, *momsinprayer.org, and a few close friends. What are you asking God for, one for you, and the other for your child? Be specific! The Prodigal’s Father never stop praying and waiting.
5. Need for a safe community who can be your extended family. Who can pray, love and not judge your children? When sharing about your kids make sure you are communicating in a way that will honor your children. You don’t want others to remember things once the child has changed. Example: small group, close friend, older woman, Moms in Prayer etc…. Who can you say is around you encouraging your heart toward God and praying for your kids?
6. Find heros for your kids and put them in front of them. They will have heros, so try to guide that process. Example: Youth leaders, godly college students, friends, Principle, teachers, etc. Who might you put your children around who could love them like we as the parent does and can model the beauty of Christ in front of them by their lives? This is not an exact science but an art. We didn’t always get it right. Shane, and our other kids, will talk about people today whom made an impact in their life. We smile and thank God because they intentionally partnered with us to connect with Shane.
2009
7. Our children belong to God. Practice giving and releasing them to God constantly: One way of letting them grow up is letting them start making decisions on their own little by little. We often feel our kids’decisions are a reflection of us, but there comes a time when we must release that thought because they have to take God for themselves.
Remember, you are not responsible for their choices. God will work in them and through them just like he works in us. Often they will learn through the consequences of their choices and you will be there to guide and love them as needed and as opportunities come up. We wanted Shane to know no matter what choices he made we still loved him.
Parenting is not for cowards. You know the old saying: “You can take a horse to the troth for water but you cannot make them drink it“. We often need Jesus at each step of the path. He knows us and our children better than we do. We will fail too. We cannot be with them all the time. I felt peer pressure from others when Shane failed but I had to realize my own identity is in Christ, not in what I consider to be a good or bad mom. So we need to constantly be giving and releasing them to the Lord.
8. Keep your own eyes on Jesus and His truth and not on the decisions that your kids are making. God is using all of this to disciple your heart too. example: Phil. 1:6 “God will complete…” Luke 15 “The Prodigal”, the father we see released the son to his choices. I need to keep my eyes on the Father not on the choices that my children make.
Ted Tripp, who wrote “Shepherding the heart of your child” implies in his book that change begins with YOU! What is your view of Jesus and what or who are you trusting in through this process? Who are you listening to?
9. Sometimes parenting will take some tough, loving choices too. Some on behalf of your children and some sacrifices on behalf of the parent. For example: Jim, my husband slowing down work to spend more time with Shane when it became, too, much for me. Shane needed his dad so Jim gave Shane more time. When we left PA.we encouraged Shane not to go with us, etc… What tough decisions can be turned into loving choices?
10. It is okay to seek good Biblical counseling yourself. It is a grieving and transitional time and we don’t always know or see what to do. I read a lot during this time as well too. When we didn’t know what to do we often erred on mercy (love) rather than law and waited for God to show us the next steps. For example: we wanted to kick Shane out of the house but we didn’t. Someone else God might tell them to let their children leave but we couldn’t do it. We set boundaries and when the time was right we did ask Shane to leave home. But the door was always open for him to come back.
Personal Reflection: What is or has your life and your child’s been like during their High School years? What ways has God discipled you during this time? When you think of the Principle three above: Prayer is the the greatest gift you can give your child: your child belongs to God not you, how does this help and change you during this season? What lesson(s) above spoke to you the most to help you go forward? Pick one and act on it. Please tell us your story in the comment sesson of the blog!!!!
From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey,
“Consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds….. encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)
“Intentionally journeying alongside women in order to encourage them to see God in their story, moving them closer to Jesus, and to discover their place in God’s Kingdom”
Please Reply in a gracious manner