Category Archives: Hope

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One Mother’s Journey of Raising a Prodigal

Changed Heart (Part 5)

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Dear Readers,  

You have not heard from me in quite a while. Please forgive me.  Finally ready to finish my series I promised you on my son, Shane.   There are 5 articles in all.  The one below is the fifth. 

If you haven’t read the other articles, please feel free to go back and read the others before going forth with this one but not necessary.

I want to thank you for staying with me all these years. This will be the last article from this website.  If you want to continue to hear from me, email me. I will sign you up for my Newsletter where you will receive 7 days worth of Sabbatical Reflective thoughts.  

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THE PRODIGAL THAT TURNED HOMEWARD

A FIVE PART SERIES (Part 5)

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Dedicated to our son, Shane O’Neill, who came to know the Lord Dec. 2009. Picture above taken 2020.)

(Editor of Proven Ministries/www.provenmen.org)

There is always hope:  God is alive and active! We are not alone.  

When my husband and I travel, I often run into parents, especially moms, whose children aren’t walking with the Lord. Their hearts are broken and I understand that.  We watched nine or more of our son’s friends die, many drug related deaths. During Shane’s five-year addiction with drugs, we wondered if his turn would come next. Please read “One Mother’s Journey of RAISING a Prodigal” by Sterling O’Neill, a 5 part series as the story has unfolded. Part 1:  Shane’s Early Years;  Part 2: Years of Pain ;  Part 3: High School Years;  Part 4: Coming to End of the Line; and now Part 5: Changed Heart.    

CHANGED HEART

(Part 5) 

“All things have become new and old things are passing”

I Corinthians 5:17 

In 2009 Shane, almost 20, our only son, began to delight in God, and not the things of the world.  His heart began to become alert to the things of Jesus.  

After Christmas, during which time Shane had turned his heart from dependence on drugs, back to God, he wanted to return and tell his friends, goodbye. He was planning to move back home with us in Tennessee from Pennsylvania.

Shane didn’t want to abandon his friends without bringing closure. We felt God had protected Shane thus far, He can protect him now.  He went back and God providentially had Shane meet a family, the *Rows Family, through a friend connection.  This family was a family my husband knew and held in high esteem. 

Jim, my husband had said once: “If there was one person who I would like to disciple Shane, it would be *Rick Rows.” We did not realize God had Shane and Rick meet that first night Shane was back in PA.  

The Rows heard Shane’s story and fell in love with him. They realized who Shane’s father was and said “Where are you living now Shane?”  After hearing where he lived they said “No more! We are going with you tonight to get your things! If you like you can come live with us. They immediately got in the car and moved Shane to their home.  Shane lived with them 5 years.

We are so blessed by this family. They took Shane in and loved him as their own and discipled him in ways we could never do at that stage in Shane’s life. 

The desires of Shane’s heart became God’s. How?:  For one, Shane is now desiring God to fill the void of his heart for satisfaction: to walk with him when he is in pain, everyday of his life and not running to drugs like before.  Two,  Shane desires to be around his parents, before he didn’t want much to do with us. Three, he sees women as sisters and not as objects! Beautiful transformations of his heart’s affections. These are just a few. 

Shane found true joy he was looking for in God HIMSELF. His journey is not over. He is still growing and learning but Shane knows he doesn’t have to walk it alone. God is with Him!  He has been clean for more than 12 years now and his life is changed and is changing.

Do I still pray for him? You bet! Am I thankful for Moms in Prayer and God’s people? Yes I am!  Today our son Shane is 32 years old, loves the Lord, and is reaching out to his community. He started facilitating a group of men and women trying to figure out what it means to live for Jesus as a body of believers, as they reach out to those who do not know him. He is reaching people we could never reach.  Shane is finishing up his grad degree.

When in college people would ask him what he was studying and wanted to do, he would say “I am not sure but I do know I love Jesus, enjoy writing, and hanging out with my friends. His masters now is in Apologetics”.  

Apologetic means defending one’s faith. Shane loves reading thick theology books for pleasure reading. I believe he will be one of our great theologians one day but if he isn’t, that is okay too.

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He loves Jesus and that is the most important thing to this mother’s heart. And guess what? He is one of my greatest prayer warriors. One of the greatest connections we have today is knowing we pray for each other. 

Today he works for Proven Ministry (provenmen.org) as editor of their blog. He also writes. He leads podcosts etc…  and He is now married and just celebrated his one year anniversary last May. 

When we first moved to Harrisburg, PA. 2013, I sought out another group of ladies that would take me to Jesus every week as we prayed, MOMS IN PRAYER (Grandmother group). I truly believe Shane is saved today because mothers like myself prayed and in God’s grace He chose to reach down and draw Shane to himself. 

God not only changed Shane but he CHANGED me. I have learned so much from Shane, along with my other 3 kids. God used it all to disciple my heart and draw me closer to Him too, they still do. I am a thankful mom!  

Even if today Shane wasn’t saved, which I am glad he is, I still knew God works and answers specific prayers. I would continue to have hope in Jesus.  I need God’s grace as much as Shane did and does.  There is always hope:  God is alive and active! We are not alone.

 

Eight Things Revealed and Practiced

1.Pray specific prayer requests to God about your children: We don’t see prayers answered because we don’t pray specifically. God does answer prayers and cares about our kids. As we are brought to God in praise of who He is, we bring ourselves into a posture to believe he truly can answer our prayers and is watching over our kids no matter their journey!  If interested please find a Moms in Prayer group in your area (https://momsinprayer.org)

2. I can be discipled by my kids and grow.  Ask yourself this question: Am I allowing God to use my kids to speak to me? If answer is no, ask God to help you to listen and ask more questions from them before jumping in with all your answers. Ask him to develope a heart of understanding and a teachable heart.  

3. We , my husband and I try to continually see characteristics of God in our children as His image bearers: Telling them often and thanking God for what He is doing in their lives.

Examples: Shane, God has given you such a gift, in your thinking skills. Or Shane, God has given you such a keen insight into peoples lives.  Or Shane, what a powerful writer you are.  Those are gifts from the Lord! Today Shane sees himself as a writer but this wasn’t always evident to him.

4. Writing our children letters of affirmation each year: At Christmas time we use the holiday as opportunity to point out to our kids ways we have seen God working in their lives over the past year and what we appreciate about them.  We do this by writing them a note to keep. It is also an opportunity to project the coming year, letting them know we are continuing to pray with and for them. 

Giving us a time to encourage them and express our love to them. It is told it takes 7 positives to outweigh a negative statement.  There is much information coming at our kids, more than ever, leaving them wondering do they ever do anything right?

This past year one child said “Feels like you just wrote a page from my journal.  Things I even forgot. This is amazing.” 

What ways are you being a student of your child’s life that if you had to write an account of special things throughout the year they did or said, could you?

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5. Celebrate verbal affirmations during Birthdays: During birthdays, together as a family or whomever is there at the time, we go around the room and each person there will tell the birthday person what they appreciate about them. This is another way to celebrate their life as a child of God and Praise God. Our grown adult children, have brought this tradition in with their growing families and friends. 

6. I continue to try to figure out what strongholds are gripping the heart of our children and pray for them. Finding ways to build truth about God in their lives in those areas. For instance:  if one of my children feels like God is unjust I will pray that they will see that God is good and just.   

I may pray something like this:  “Lord I rebuke Satan in this area of their lives of blinding put name of one of your children of seeing you as unjust and may they see you are God, Sov. and you are good. I desire only good in their lives. If they are feeling you are unjust because they are in pain and don’t understand. help them come to you with their pain knowing you will do good and not harm them all the days of their lives. That you will help them through the pain, and you will help them make sense of that pain. Lord, you have a purpose! Let them know you really do love them.”  

“Take this blindness of seeing God as a unjust God and use it to make them strong to desire your truth and righteousness and a more compassionate person. Don’t let Satan get the victory but God may you get the glory.  Help me find ways to show these truths about you to this child. Give us wisdom to show them you are a good and just God that makes sense to them.  Help me show your beauty to them.  You are using all this to disciple their heart and prepare them for what you have for them.  You love them more than I do so help me to fight for their heart through prayer, love and truth but not to control it, only you can change one’s heart and have the right to that ownership!  Love you Lord! This child is yours I leave it with you! Amen” 

7. God is using this time to strengthen your heart on who God is, too!  What are you believing about God?  Check your own heart. 

example:  Do you  believe God is good when you see your child in pain and running from God?  Shane, I don’t have answers to your questions or hurts, all I know, Shane, is that God is Good and he has a reason for it!

God is there to meet you where you are too. It is a real grieving time if they are running or not walking with God. Must read:  “When Life and Beliefs Collide” by Carolyn Custis James.  

8. What ways are you coming alongside your children? Learn to listen well so they know you are hearing them. Ask powerful reflective or clarifying questions so you and they know what’s in their hearts. Use open ended questions so you can hear what’s deep in their soul; Not leading, judgemental questions or statements.  Growing together. This way you can look for opportunities to speak directly or challenge in a loving way not with own opinions but with a heart of understanding.  

What ways can you have a heart of understanding when your child ask you hard questions or accuses you of bad decisions you make on their behalf or have made?  Knowing they only have half of the story it is easy to react or take them personally.  Could a heart of understanding first stop and see it from their perspective and say I am sorry. What would it do for your heart if someone said that to you?   Our children often responded with trying to understand where we were coming from also.  Beautiful times of understanding and trust have been built because of it.  It takes time but be willing to come alongside them and understand them.  

Personal Reflection: What lesson above speaks to you the most? How is God using your children to disciple your heart? What Characteric of God do you see in your children? How can you pray for them today. Tell us your story and how we can pray for you and your child(ren)!!!!   Jesus is the Good Shepherd, who lays His life down for His sheep (us), who gives life and life abundantly.  (Jn.10:10,11) 

* Rick Rows is not this person’s real name. Name changed to protect their identity.

 From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey,

“Consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds….. encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)

“Intentionally journeying alongside women in order to encourage them to see God in their story, moving them closer to Jesus, and to discover their place in God’s Kingdom”

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ONE WHO SITS OVER ALL!

CHRIST THE BIG "C"

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Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. Be-sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversry the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world‘ I Peter 5:6-10. 

As most of us sit at home due to the coronavirus, my reasons for being here did not start off for the same reasons.  I am in recovery from a recent surgery where I went into the hospital on March 16th for a full hysterectomy.  The healing process usually takes 6-8 weeks.  As I write, I am into the 3rd week of this time period. And in this very unique season we are both facing the “c” word; mine is the potential of contined cancer, and with you the other “c” word, the coronavirus. 

At the end of January, when corona was only something bubbling up in China where it began, it was brought to my attention through a series of tests and eventually a biopsy, that revealed a cancerous tumer in my uterus.  This then lead to the March 16th surgery, which couldn’t wait!

PRACTICE BRINGING YOUR PRAYERS OF FEAR TO JESUS

Who Am I Going To Listen and/or Cling to?

My prayer throughout this season has been personally, Psalm 112:7,8

“He is not afraid of bad news: His heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.” 

These verses were given to me one week before this process started.  God was gracious in giving me strength and resources,  more of HIMSELF, especially ahead of time. When I heard the news of this path I remembered the verses that seemed to stand out to me in 3-D the day I read it and prayed.  My response  then became “LORD give me “A FIRM AND A STEADY HEART’, not one that fears but looks to you.”  When we started this journey, down this path there was potential unknowns and fears and grieving.  Sound familiar with this season for you?

Psalm 34 was also set in my soul.  Especially vs. 4 ‘I sought the LORD and he answered me and delivered me  from all my fears. ….’  vs. 7 ‘…The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him and delivers them.”

Lord, if I am not to fear or to take all my fears to you, I must wake up each morning and ask, ‘What is the question or fear on my heart today, Lord, that you want to reveal or answer”?  Often, I did wake up with a heavy heart but if I wanted that “steady heart” I knew where to go. Lord, I need to bring these thoughts and emotions before You. I need to lean into YOU, who knows all things.  I am convinced more than not, it is in these testing times that God reveals our hearts and gives us opportunity to see HIM more.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowley in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.

“Help Lord!  My heart is not at rest.”  “I need you Jesus” What fear or question is on my heart today?” 

One fear, Lord, is telling people about the cancer situation, especially my children.  Each time I open my mouth and mention the “c” word, I can watch and feel their fear, sadness and/or their apprehenision. They don’t know what to say or do.  Lord, I am the encourager, and it seems I am bringing their souls bad news.  I like to bring good news, Lord. Each person I tell has to work through their own emotions when they hear I have the “c” word. Naturally the process is: “What might this look like,if it happened to me?”  Yet, I know I need to tell people. I want people’s prayers and know the importance of community and support coming around me in time of need.  

I especially feel the weight of sharing with my kids and what they might feel.  This is too heavy to carry, Lord.  I am surprised how well they are handling what we just shared  but facing the idea that their mom has the “c” word and the future unknown that she might die, that can be heavy!  God said, “you want to glorify me right?”  Yes! This is your opportunity. What do you mean, Lord? 

Jesus said, Yes,  that burden is too heavy for you to carry. Let me carry it!  Take my Yoke.  I am using “this” to work in all your lives, to draw you to ME, so lean into me and I will carry this!   Let me handle it.  It is okay if they need to process, I am there for them too. This allows ME to move in and minister to them, where they can see more of me and put the words on their heart to pray for you.  I am inviting you to seek the rest in me you need and be encouraged by others.  You will find rest in ME so focus on ME and receive all as if from me.

I could at first only share with one or two people at a time to keep my emotional balance.  Jim, my husband, was kind enough, too,  to write letters and send out to many, until I felt strong enough to share personally with more people. I was not alone. The words of others are soothing to my soul and draw me to God.

In this time of turbulence, with the other “c” word, the coronavirus, what are some ways you have found hope and rest in Jesus?  

I need strength from the BIG “C’ everyday. I need to see Jesus, the Christ, who is Lord of all, so He can fill me up. Writing in my journal, sometimes God answers prayers from the scripture, and sometimes through people or something I read later throughout the day.  More than not, by the end of the day, an answer would be given. Has this been an easy path? NO, but God is kind to give me the strength to see HIM.  To replace Satan’s lies with God HIMSELF. 

Who am I going to listen to? Who am I going to pay attention to and cling to?  Truth or lies?  Sometimes it is lies and I have to repent.

How are you grounding yourself to bring peace and rest to your souls that Jesus promised? What practices are you implementing to bring you strength and get you back to a “steady heart” grounded in the BIG ‘C” (CHRIST)?

PRACTICE PRAYERS OF GRIEF TO JESUS

What Invitation(s) is God Presenting to You?  

Sometimes I am uncertain of my own  feelings as the Psalmist and often will use time to cry out my desires of wanting to live, fears or losses or potential losses, I am feeling. 

Many of us are having to forgo what brings us joy.  Maybe you are experiencing  loss too. The virus has caused global disorientation. How are you affected?

A friend of our family sent us a picture that depicts Jesus in the garden of Gathsemene being consoled by the Angel of the Lord.  Jesus was in the garden and asked God, His Father, to take this assignment from Him, of suffering on our behalf. The Cross was looming before Jesus.  

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.’ Luke 22:42a.

This imag became encouraging to my soul, that Jesus, as he left the garden was weak and tired and the Angel of the Lord strengthened Him. If Jesus didn’t die on the cross, we would not have the opportunity to have eternal life through Jesus’ act of sacrifical unconditional love on our behalf. Yet, Jesus, who is God, coming as man, we see cried out to His Father. Jesus’ prayer of grief was heard by the Father. 

BUT Jesus said, ‘Nevertheless, not my Will but YOURS FATHER be done” Luke 22:42b

(Sketch by Cassie Chase 5/2020) ‘And there appeared to Him an angel from heaven strengthening him.” Luke 22:4

As you look at this picture above and think about this story of Jesus, where might you find yourself right now?  What invitation is God presenting to you?  ( Extra Resource: Viso Divina)

PRACTICE PRAYERS OF THANKSGIVING TO JESUS 

Where is God Showing up? 

One blog writer recently said they are learning in such difficult seasons of grief to hold  “Holding Grief and Gratitude Together “ at the same time. Yes, much grief but much to be thankful for, too. Be willing to acknowledge both. And allow them to have space in your heart and prayers. 

If you saw my journal you would see how God used verses, people texting, emailing, or verbally praying or giving words of affirmation, as well as other stories to encourage my heart. Many out of their own praise and testimony of God’s work in their lives even in the midst of their own struggles. 

The timing of all these were not some sort of cosmic karma but Kiaros, a Divine and timely moment that only God could orcrastrate. They would come at a time when I would be asking or verbalizing to God a question. 

 

Remembering, where has God shown up?  Jounaling “BUT GOD” (BIG “C” CHRIST)

  • How fast God revealed to us that something wasn’t quite right in my body and then how quickly God placed me in surgery.   
  • God gave me quick turn around landing me with a great OB Doctor, who happens to be a surgeon.
  • Doctor, is a man of faith who happens to have been involved in international missions work as well, like us.  His bed side manners have been wonderful as well as his knowledge and care.  The minute we walked into his office we (Jim and I both) felt God’s presence individually, and we had never met him. 
  • Timing of our visits and hospital stays: One delight I had before I went into the hospital  was staying a week with our grandkids, twin boys, while our second daughter and her husband could take a trip away before their next child is born at end of June.  What a wonderful week to focus on something happy before my operation.  Thank you Lord. 
  • God was kind to allow us to get the cancer at an early low grade, Stage 1A.  If you are going to get cancer at all we got the best kind, we were told. 
  • The hospital the Doctor is part of is only 30 minutes from our home and is new with excellent care. Again felt God’s calming hand surrounding us through the process. 
  • The surgery was scheduled the very week lockdown of “staying home” with coronavirus. ‘ Allowing one of our daughters and her family to still come for the first week I would be home recovering.  Such joy to have all here, along with the two grandkids, running around. Nothing like community surrounding you when you are trying to heal. Brought much life to our hearts and has allowed me to get the rest I needed.  She brought lots of food which lasted another week.  Our son too, came up a few days as well.  Gave company to my husband as he gains this new rhythm of taking care of his wife.  
  • Four days later after the surgery we got good results from doctor that they feel they got all the cancer!  Also the tumor was not attached to the lining of the Uterus which means no complicatons.

    Church Elders Praying over me before my surgery

  • However, the doctor said, one other test still needs to come back.  So we waited 4 more days. Doctor, says, “Last test showed a few clusters of cancerous cells got into your pelvus fluid but still low grade which is good.” Didn’t seem like good news.
  • After talking decided to go on Hormone Therapy pills to see if we can knock out these cells over a period of time.  There are side effects which he named but after 4 weeks of taking the meds I feel hopeful and encouraged, that my body so far is handling the side effects well. Because God has lead us this far, we can trust whatever the future brings. There is a 86% success rate with this track of next steps, which in the cancer world is a very high percentage.  Since mine is lowgrade, other than God’s divine intervention otherwise, I believe I am in good standing. 
  • Psalm 84:11 Says “God does not withhold any good from those who are righteous.” God is good  Himself and promises to be with us no matter what. None of us has security apart from God’s divine hand upon us.  I can be content that God promises Himself and to be with us no matter what. He is good, therefore wants good for me even if it doesn’t always feel like it.  
  •  God thank you for the coronavirus lockdown, even if we don’t like it, you have allowed my husband to be around to give me the extra care I need. His care has allowed me to recover well and it is a reflection of His love for Jesus and Jesus’ love in Him.  I am receiving more of Jesus because of his unconditional love for me.    
  • We have had a steady stream of people extending their prayers and love to us.  Along with our church, who has helped with food as well. We feel most blessed. Glad we decided to push through our fear and tell people.  Thank you Jesus.

As I think of the pandemic crisis now with this coronavirus, the cancer situation seems very small in comparison but the emotions are still very real and have hit all of us in one way or another. Fran Love recently as she spoke at NextGen Leaders Community on Zoom said “Emotion is called E-moton, (in motion) it is going to carry you somewhere.  Either towards God or away from Him.” Reminding me to journal, and be thankful another day for HIM.  We all have a time and day set for us to die.  You don’t have to face cancer or corona and/or any other little  “c” word to realize our mortality. He, CHRIST, the BIG “C” is the only sure Person to put our faith in.

Another friend who writes a blog, (Joy in the Journey) said “this virus has not created our need for the Lord, it’s revealing it.” Where have you seen God show up in your life during this season? May I encourage you to write them down. 

I am now entering my 8th week of recovery since I started this blog but the story is not over. To those who have prayed, thank you!

PERSONAL REFLECTIONS:  As you read this blog, what story, passage, or practice spoke to you?  What question that I asked, if any, stirred in you? Where you are now?  What invitation is God presenting to you? I would love to hear any of your musings or thoughts.

From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey,

“Consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds….. encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)

“Intentionally journeying alongside women in order to encourage them to see God in their story, moving them closer to Jesus, and to discover their place in God’s Kingdom”

 

 

 

 

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MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

In HIS PRESENCE There is FULLNESS of JOY

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‘You make known to me the PATH OF LIFE; in YOUR PRESENCE there is FULLNESS OF JOY; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.’Psalm 16:11

 
Thanks to my audience for your faithfulness in reading my blogs and following me along life’s path. I love hearing your stories as I travel, see your remarks on Facebook or in the comment section. Please feel free to pass along my blog  to others  who might find the stories helpful  or the questions asked beneficial. 
 
What an inspiration of hope and joy to know that we can be an encouragement to one another, that we are not alone on this journey. 
 
In this Christmas season I am reminded of Matthew 2:10 where we hear the story of the Shepherds, ‘And when they saw the star they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy.’
 
‘And the Psalmist tells us in Psalm 16:11b “In your presence there is fullness of joy.’ Psalm 16:11b
 
We all have our stories but we are part of God’s bigger story together. Let’s keep intentionally telling our God Stories in Praise to God.  
 

SO AS YOU LOOK BACK OVER 2019 WHAT HAS BROUGHT YOU HIS GREAT JOY?

  

One joy recently, Jim (my husband) and I returned from a trip to Europe  where we were with a group of 75 young leaders where we both spoke on the Theme of  “Dwelling” for 6 sessions. Shawna, our daughter, also joined us and spoke.  It became a beautiful family affair; not to mention an incredible theme.

 
What a privilege also to serve the next generation.  One of the sessions I spoke on was built around the theme of Dwell from Psalm 84.
‘Blessed are those who dwell in your house (the Lord’s)  ever singing your praise,  SELAH.’  As I practice sitting in His presence and singing praises to Him, my heart longs to  draw others along with me. (Even if I cannot carry a tune).   
 
Christ came down to this earth and dwelt among us in order to offer life and eternal life to all.  He is ‘Emmanual’  ‘God with us’!  God invites  ‘us’ to come into his presence, to dwell with Him.  One day we can sit with Him forever. 
 
As we sat with these young leaders from all over the world for 8 days we felt God’s love and affection. We dwelt together in His presence. What a joy to hear their Kairos moments (those epoch moments) with God (His Story in their lives) as well as their respective journeys’ of pain over the last year. They vulnerably allowed us to peep into their beautiful hearts. Do not underestamate the power of skilled listening, sitting in God’s presence together hearing one another’s stories and watch God do the healing.    
 
How can we be present and show God’s love for others if we have not learned to experience His personal presence daily ourselves?  This reminds me of another story that still lingers in my mind’s eye with much joy but not without a path of pain.  
 

(more…)

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“THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD WAS WITH HER”

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ON ASSIGNMENT BY GOD

27 But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; (I Corintians 1:27)

INTRODUCTION
About the time I started to feel the heat of the lions den, in walks Debbie! Here was someone who was considered a nobody in the eyes of most people around her. Never meeting Debbie before that day I would have thought the Red Sea had just parted. I felt “The Spirit of God was with her”.  Debbie’s presence transformed the atmosphere in the room and my grandmother’s attitude. Wow. Who is this woman?

Afterwards Debbie told me “Well, the first day after I came home from being with your grandmother, I told my husband I wasn’t going back to work for that woman. He asked me a few questions and after hearing my reasons said, “okay, but have you prayed about it first?” That was all he had to say. I was convicted as I told him I hadn’t.”

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MY GRANDMOTHER, MAMAMA & DEBBIE….

During the Great Depression, my grandparents worked hard and through much difficulties and uncharted choices made it rich by most standards. This hard earned wealth created a perception that her family had this unspoken standard to measure up to. When my dad didn’t always live up to it, it wasn’t pleasant around my family. Often their attitudes were imputed onto us kids, too. I never felt totally accepted by my grandparents, but in some strange way I respected them and knew they loved us even if it wasn’t always demonstrated in ways I would have preferred or understood.

I am thankful for my grandparents (Nananer (Na-na-ner) and Mamama (Ma-ma-ma) for many good memories, During my elementary years we would often spend, Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with them. During Easter time, they also invited us to their beach house.

My Grandfather built a tree house in the woods for us to enjoy. I loved exploring and climbing around their home. I believe God used them, to also plant a seed, of my love now, for tennis. But at the time I didn’t want anything to do with it

Even with a disfunctional family I knew I was part of something bigger than just my immediate family. With my grandparents, parents and siblings, I felt a sense of belonging, family, hospitality, and community. But I wouldn’t understand it all till years later.


After Nananer died due to kidney failure, my grandmother missed him, of course, but as she aged she became “harder” on the inside. She had much to contend with and lived with a lot of loneliness even though she knew many people. Mamama felt like she still had a reputation to live up to.

This world Mamama created did not easily permit me to feel accepted for who I was. I didn’t dress the way she thought I should. I became a follower of Jesus, went to a Christian college, married a Yankee and served overseas as a missionary. Each decision was contrary to her ideals or expectations for me.

One of the qualities Mamama had was her strong disposition. She didn’t back down for anyone! I think I inherited some of that tough hide. “Shhhhhh!  No comments.”

After being overseas for many years, married and with kids, we came home from living in Asia on home ministry (furlough) for a year when I went to visit Mamama. Mamama was now up in years and we didn’t know how long she would live so this visit was very important. I picked up a gift for her like Jacob presented to Esau before he saw his estranged brother. Like, Jacob didn’t know how Esau would respond to him, I didn’t know what reaction I would get from my grandmother. I was apprehensive.

I also asked God to go before me like Moses had asked God.

“If your presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here”

As I arrived I met Debbie, this sweet African-American lady who was now one of the primary care-givers for my grandmother. She took me upstairs to see Mamama.  My aunt was there, my father’s sister. I took my youngest daughter too, since she had never met her great grandmother. All seemed to be going well.

Until my aunt and Grandmother took the conversation in a direction I didn’t want to go. I wanted to honor my grandmother but the direction turned more difficult and critical. This was not something I wanted my daughter to hear.

About the time I started to feel the heat of the lions den, in walks Debbie! You would have thought the Red Sea had just parted.  Never meeting Debbie before that day, I felt “The spirit of God was with Her”.  I felt His presence when Debbie walked into the room. Amazing! Debbie’s presence transformed the atmosphere and my grandmother’s attitude. The rest of our visit was unusually pleasant. Wow! Who is this women?

I knew Mamama’s bent was prejudice toward blacks, which was common in the south in her day. But it was the 1990’s, yet in some ways she had not changed with the times. So I was surprised by the love Debbie was showering on my grandmother. And my grandmother was receiving it!

I found out later Debbie knows Jesus. He was making a difference through her life.

God can use what the world thinks as foolish to confound the wise.

_________________________________

DEBBIE REMINDS ME ALSO OF RAHAB’S STORY

The Israelites in the book of Joshua were now waiting outside Jericho on the otherside of the Jorden where they were told by God to take possession of the land. This city had strong defenses.

In Numbers 13-14, we see the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for 40 years because the people disobeyed, listening instead to the 10 spies out of 12. The 10 giving the ‘majority report’ saw themselves as grasshoppers and the people in the Promise Land as giants. Now many years later, God’s people and Joshua are about to enter the Promise Land facing this big city. How will they view themselves? Did they learn the needed lessons?

Joshua was one of the origianal 12 spies, He did not see giants. How will Joshua, as the new leader, some 40 years later, lead the Israelites to trust God forward to destroy Jericho?   

Joshua decided to send in 2 people not 12 to spy out the land before attacking it. He had learned a valuable lesson. The two spies met Rahab, a prostitute.

The 2 spies found out from Rahab, how God had gone before, creating fear in the hearts of the Canaanites. Rahab wanted to believe in their God.

She, too, was considered a nobody!  Rahab demonstrated her faith by hiding these 2 spies from her own people. She helped them escape even in the evident danger of possible death.   

[https://archive.org/details/rahab_the_harlot[/]( by Ky Baptist)

I don’t know about you but sometimes I feel like a nobody. “How can I help” I am just one person and what’s in front of me seems so daunting.  

The Spirit of God had gone before Joshua and the people into Jericho even before the two spies arrived. They were guided to Rahab. She responded in faith. Can you think of a time where you felt the Spirit of God working?

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LIKE RAHAB, DEBBIE’S STORY CONTINUES….

I cannot remember the time table of life but not much later, maybe two years, we came back from living overseas when Mamama took her last breath.

I was not looking forward to going to the funeral. I was sad not knowing where Mamama would be spending eternity. She never wanted anything to do with followers of Jesus, and their Lord even though she was a faithful church goer.  

Mamama felt Jesus was a crutch and thought she lived just fine. When she died her requests were only a graveside service and no flowers.  No one was allowed to give any testimonies about her apart from her pastor. I so wanted to share some of my good memories but no opportunity was presented.

As Mamama’s Minister gave her Eulogy, I thought I was at the wrong graveside service. He didn’t really represent the grandmother I knew. Very impersonal and depressing!

I was feeling guilty too, all I could think of was hurtful things I felt she had imputed on me and others I loved. Of course I am praying and asking God to help me with a better attitude and some kind of hope that I could walk away with through the service. But I wasn’t finding anything!

As I was praying, however, I saw Debbie, the caregiver.  I made a mental note I would connect with her after the service was over.  

______________________________

“Debbie, Debbie, hi, I don’t know if you remember me but I am one of my grandmother’s, granddaughters, Sterling”?

“Yes, I remember you.”  

“Do you know who was with my grandmother in her final moments and how she died? ” 

“I and Gladis, (the maid) were with her.”  

“Really, would you mind taking the time to tell me about it”?

“Sure” she said with a soft smile. As everyone left, Debbie took the next hour to share as we walked the graveside together.

“When I came to work for your grandmother, after one day I knew I did not want to work with that lady! When I was a little girl, my aunt worked for this old critical prejudice rich lady and after I saw what that lady did to my aunt I vowed as a little girl I will never wipe the “butt” of any white rich old woman with that kind of attitude, if life depends on it.“

“Well the first day after I came home from being with your grandmother, I told my husband I wasn’t going back. He asked me a few questions and after hearing my reasons said “okay but have you prayed about it first?” That was all he had to say. I was convicted as I told him I hadn’t. ” 

“I then said I would let him know in the morning. I couldn’t sleep all night. The next morning when I woke up, I knew God had called me back to take care of your grandmother. I realized she needed Jesus and God wanted me there to tell her. I didn’t know how but I knew God wanted me to go there and show her first His love by loving her.”

“Over the months leading up to her death, I processed each person in the family with her. I started with each grandchild and then up to your dad and mom. With each person I pushed and pushed with questions until her straw man of what she had fixated about them could not be justified and she had to forgive them.”

“She would get so mad but when she got quiet I knew God had gotten through to her core. God gave me the courage because she could have fired me but didn’t. God was working in her heart.“

“The day she died, Gladis and I were bathing her when she was asking us to hurry. “

“Hurry, Hurry,” she kept yelling. We didn’t understand why the rush. But, she wanted us to dress her fast and have her ready.

I realized as we were finishing her up it wouldn’t be long before she would die, her feet were getting blue and it was going up her leg. It would soon hit her heart and she would be dead.  

As the last piece of clothing was on her, she looked at me and asked very sincerely, “Debbie, will God accept me into Heaven?”

“I said Caroline, God has always accepted you, the question is will you accept him?”

“What must I do?” She said.

“You know what to do. We have talked about it before. You must ask him to forgive you and surrender yourself to him believing what He did for you on the cross. He died so you could have eternal life. He is your Lord and loves you very much!

She paused and then set up with strength I didn’t know she had and said,

“Okay Lord please forgive me!” As her arms went up in the air and then she laid back down.”

“As I looked into her eyes there was a glow on her face like I had never seen before. She was so calm and peaceful. When she turned and looked up at me and said,

“Debbie…. Thank you!” She smiled… and closed her eyes and died”.

All of a sudden Gladis and I felt a breeze in the room, even with all the doors and windows closed. With Gladis on one side of the bed and I on the other between your grandmother, we stood frozen staring at each other, tears streaming down both of our cheeks, on what felt like holy ground.

Later as we talked, we both confirmed the air felt was God’s spirit taking your grandmother up to heaven. “

Wow! I, too, sensed God’s presence and God’s delight in my spirit as she told the story of her time with my grandmother. This is the hope I came for.

After giving Debbie a great big hug, I looked at Debbie with tears in my eyes now, and said “Thank you for heeding God’s call in your life. For being there for my grandmother even when she wasn’t so nice to you. Thank you for taking time to share this forever loving memory etched in my heart.”

______________________________

“Thank you Lord for Debbie. For answering my prayers! For letting me hear this story Lord, in redeeming my grandmother’s life before she died.”

______________________________

Debbie, was weak before the world but mighty before God, like Rahab where God chose to put both on assignment for His Kingdom work. Debbie with my grandmother and Rahab for the 2 spies, the Israelites, and her family.

PERSONAL REFLECTIONS: What about this story either Rahab, Debbie or my grandmother resonated with your heart? What made both Debbie and Rahab step up to accept their tasks? How might history have been different without their courageous faith? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section …

From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey,

“Consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds….. encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)

“ Intentionally journaling alongside women in order to encourage them to see God in their story, moving them closer to Jesus, and to discover their place in God’s Kingdom”

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A SURPRISE GIFT FROM GOD

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Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you…
Isaiah 43:4a.

For a whole year a friend of mine had encouraged me to visit The Brooklyn Tabernacale Congregation, founded by author and pastor, Jim Cymbala and his wife, in New York. It holds three huge services each Sunday in a broadway theater they bought.

I was working at an international organization headquartered in Pennsylvania, when my friend and I finally found a date to make this trip happen. We even ended up with two car loads of friends tagging along with us. More the merrier, seems to be our motto.    

We had waited outside in line for a good hour or so before they let us all in for the worship service. Once in, we now waited with anticipation in the upper balacony for the service to begin. We sat and watched the massive amount of people continue to pile in after us to find their seats.

SO WHAT IS ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?

The famous, Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir finally began captivating us with their beautiful sounds of praise to God along with over 700 of us in the audience singing along. You could sense the presence of God in the room as the people sang. The  anticipation of hearing Pastor Jim Cymbala preach to us from God’s Word next was also felt.

I would finally get to hear the man I had read about and been so inspired by. The stories in his books related back to when the church plant first started and how God answered their many prayers.

Yet, I was not prepared for what God had planned next.  Mr. Cliff Barrows was ushered out and introduced as the guest speaker. Not expecting this change of speakers, my reaction upon seeing him surprised me. I got all excited and found myself ready to run down the isle and up on stage to give him a big hug.

MR. CLIFF BARROWS

Why? Mr. Barrows, who used to be the worship and song director for the Billy Graham Crusade, had also been a neighbor of my paternal grandparents well up until my early 20’s. We connected on so many levels. His father, I believe, was a “Gideon” and even served in the Philippines. This had been our home for 13 years as well.

Cliff and His first wife, Billie, which had 2 years earlier passed away, had also become like my adopted grandparents. They loved Jim, my husband and me.  They prayed and encouraged us; even took great interest in our work in Asia. They even became financial partners with us for a season..

They always made time for my husband and me when we were home from the Philippines. This meant much since he was a busy man. Occasionally, they would ask me to cook a Filipino meal for them.

Cliff and Billie gave much counsel and encouragement as we considered adopting our 4th child. They listened well and gave wisdom during many of our transitions.

They loved my grandparents and my father too. Often extending Christ to them in more ways than one. I cannot say enough about this man, who just passed away a couple of years ago. For all these and more I am grateful.

This gives you some backdrop to appreciate my excitement to see him stand and get ready to deliver God’s Word. My heart leaped. Seeing him, truly was an unexpected surprise gift from God. I had not seen Cliff for many years.

I was told later he was now legally blind. Yet, he preached as if he was reading all the Words directly from the Bible. He knew many Scripture verses by heart. He gave an amazing message!

OKAY, BUT WHY AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS?

My dad, almost 89 years old, whom I don’t know for sure he is a follower of Jesus, even to this day, knows Cliff as a former friend. Cliff, when home from travels often took time out to have lunches with my dad in the days he lived next door to my paternal grandparents.

Leading up to this event at The Brooklyn Tabanacle, my grandmother had already been dead for 4 years. Right after her death some important decisions needed to be made. After seeking the Lord and much wise counsel from others, my siblings and I, felt it best to disagree with my dad. For some reason, this caused my father’s wrath. He didn’t want anything to do with us afterwards.   

Always being in my dad’s good graces as “his little girl” this choice on his part hit us hard. As we waited on the Lord to change my dad’s heart, through much prayer,  I wrote my dad many special letters and cards but he never responded back.

In good conscience I knew I was faithfully honoring and loving my dad. Even though we disagreed on this one decision.

So when I saw Cliff, all the grief and love for my dad which had been built up inside of me came pouring out. I felt like I was seeing my dad and I couldn’t control the tears that came flooding out before the Lord. I tried to hold them back but I couldn’t

Here this 40 something “young” lady, at that time was a basket case. My friends didn’t know what to do. Before they could say anything I got up and walked downstairs to the front in order to be ready to hug and talk to Cliff when he got finished.

Not realizing just how big of a production this place was… when I got down to the stage, these 2 big security guys were standing at the entrance of the platform stairs, watching guard. They would be escorting Mr. Barrows off when he was done, away from the crowd.

The invitation for people to come forward was happening so I thought it would be just fine to go on stage and talk to him. What was I thinking?!

“Yes Miss? You can’t go any further!  Is there anything you would like”.  

Yes I am friends with Mr. Cliff Barrows. He knows me and I want to see him and say Hi”  

The man’s eyes displayed concern but wasn’t sure if I was for real.  He was there to do his job. “Ma’am, he will be whisked off when he is finished, I don’t think you will be able to see him”.  

“But I have to” as tears uncontrollable again started to roll down my cheeks.  Feeling rather embarrassed and stupid now. “He knows me, I have to talk to Him!”

“I will see ma’am.  I will ask when he comes down but I can’t promise you.  Just stand over there if you would please and wait.”

I stood there talking to myself trying to get my composure.  “If I can just see and talk to him, that’s all I ask Lord. I just need a hug and I will be okay.”

“Come on Sterling, get control of yourself”, then the tears would flow again. The bodyguard kept looking at me strangely. I was trying to act like I wasn’t some cookie crazy woman but I am sure I wasn’t too convincing.

BUT, I COULDN’T MOVE AND WAS DETERMINE TO SEE HIM!

The Brooklyn Tabernacle

As soon as Cliff ended his message he was swept from the stage as the crowd of people engulfed him and I was pushed to the side. This same guard, as he passed had the most compassionate look in his eyes, as he moved his lips, “I am so sorry miss.”

I yelled out “Just tell him it is Sterling Moseley O’Neill”. The man was kind and daring enough to mention to Cliff my full name, probably thinking, that is the least I can do for this lady, but I am not sure it will matter!   

When he mentioned my  name to Mr. Barrows, Cliff stopped in his tracks and said, “Where is she?”  

The guard pointed toward my way and the sea of people parted. Cliff put out his hands towards me and again said “Where is she?”

“She is over there, Sir.” Cliff, remember he could not see me because he was considered legally blind, put out his hands and said, “Please come here, Sterling.” The look on the guard’s face was one of surprise and delight for me and motioned for me to come.

When I reached Cliff, He hugged me. We talked for only a few minutes, forgetting the many people looking in on us. Then, he left just as fast. My tears seemed to  subside instantly. I was filled with contentment and joy. My heart was full. I was okay. It was like my dad had given me a special hug. Or more like a hug from my heavenly Father. WHAT A SURPRISE GIFT FROM GOD!

One day we will die. Then we shall see Jesus extend his pierced marked hands and say “come”  and call us by name, and take us up to heaven. I know what I felt and I look forward to that day when Jesus, will call my name because I am written in His book. I am precious, honored and belong to Him.

How do you feel?  Can you picture it? Is your name written in His book? JESUS IS ALIVE putting His arms out to hug you. Go to Him.    

PERSONAL REFLECTION: With the Easter season, once again, Jesus is reminding us He is alive, calling, knows us by name, and/or is ready to hug us. What story can you remember where God showed up where you felt like it was a surprise gift from God, as in my story? Take time to write it down and be a blessing in someone else’s life. How have you experienced God’s presence this week even?  Please share a story with us in the comment section: A SURPRISE GIFT FROM GOD.

*my dad and I today are on talking terms. God answered prayers and the doors were open to mend our relationship. But I still do not know where he is with the Lord.

From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey,

“Consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds….. encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)

“ Intentionally journaling alongside women in order to encourage them to see God in their story, moving them closer to Jesus, and to discover their place in God’s Kingdom”

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THE UNEXPECTED

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Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us. (Ephesian 3:20)

A family member told us on Monday that a pastor friend called him last Friday night. The pastor was so upset and distraught, not knowing what to do. He needed a close friend to sort things out, and pray with him and needing some wisdom on what to do next.

After our family member got his pastor friend all calmed down, the pastor friend told the story about how his wife’s mother, who had died unexpectedly. When his wife had heard the news she broke down and cried. He had never seen his wife so discouraged. This pastor friend loved his wife so much that he was willing to do anything to help his wife get through this.

They had just finished making arrangements at the funeral home and were on their way home. As they were nearing their home, they approached a corner stop sign. Here the couple saw a group of teenage kids, trouble makers, that they knew from their neighborhood. The kids were yelling and fighting with each other and as people in their cars stopped at the stop sign the kids would antagonize, the onlookers.

When the pastor and his wife stopped these kids started giving them a hard time, too. This pastor was going to get out of there as fast as he could, thinking it best to ignore them. But there were too many cars in front of them that delayed desired get-out-of-there.

Finally, the wife rolled her window down, not able to hold in her anger any longer, after the way her day had gone. She started screaming out the window, “You don’t want to mess with me today, this is not a good day, so stop fighting and get out of here!”

Among other things, about the time she started talking someone decided to report the incident. A police officer just happened to be strolling past in his car as well at that same time. It didn’t look good.

He saw what was happening and arrested the teenage kids and the “pastor’s wife” as well! The pastor tried to tell the police officer who he was and what was happening but the officer wouldn’t listen.  He arrested her on inciting and possibly causing a fight. If he arrested the teenagers yelling, he had to arrest her too, for responding out of her car with like manner.

The husband wasn’t able to go with the police officer. Being late Friday night his wife would have to go to jail. The pastor called the police station to see about getting her out but he would have to wait until tomorrow or Monday to talk to anyone who would have any kind of authority to get her out.

This is when he called our family member, who prayed with his pastor friend. Our family member was willing to go down with him the next day to help get this pastor’s wife out. This was about all that could be done that night. So they waited till morning.

The next morning, our family member found out that his pastor friend didn’t sleep at all the whole night. He worried about his wife, all night! He remembered the state of her from earlier that day. How upset she was with her mother just dying, the teenagers and now being put
in jail all night. He assumed this would send her over the top.

After entering the jailhouse the next day and doing all the necessary paperwork, his wife was able to be released. As she walked out she was smiling and laughing and hugging all the people who were in prison with her and the guards, as she said her good-byes.

What was going on!

She told him that when she got there she was put in jail with about 11 young girls. Because she was older then all these girls and a pastor’s wife they all started coming to her one by one, talking to her throughout the night with their problems. She was able to share Christ with them in the process. She had become like a mother or good big sister to them.

When she found out one of them had a birthday, too, she rallied the officers to get a birthday cake and they celebrated this girl’s birthday in the cell. She had won the hearts of all these young ladies and they loved her, as well as the guards. How many pastor’s wives get thrown into jail as a way to minister?

Here her husband was up all night worrying and she in jail rejoicing and being used by God! Sounds like the apostle Paul when he was in jail singing and the jailer got saved and the church was up all night praying.

God opened up an opportunity for her to share and she took it. Are you looking for opportunities? Are you praying for these kinds of opportunities? God is ready to open up the door when He knows you are ready to walk through it.

From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey,

“Consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds….. encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)

“ Intentionally journaling alongside women in order to encourage them to see God in their story, moving them closer to Jesus, and to discover their place in God’s Kingdom”

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MOVING ON IS NOT ALWAYS EASY

Intentional Next Steps

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“TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND LEAN NOT ON OUR OWN UNDERSTANDING; IN ALL YOUR WAYS SUBMIT TO HIM AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR PATHS STRAIGHT.” Proverbs 3:6

In 1995, after 13 years in the Philippines, we felt God was asking Jim (my husband) to take the Mission’s Professor and Director position at LU. We realized this would be a good next step in multiplying ourselves and God’s Kingdom for the nations. Yet this would not be an easy next move. The Philippines had become home for us!  

Let me backtrack, we had been back in the States for Home Ministry for a good one year already. We visited each of our partner churches and individuals, reporting to them the good work God was doing in the Philippines. Reestablishing these relationships with our partners was special.

The kids experienced formal school during our home assignment for the first time since leaving the Philippines where we home-schooled them. God had provided a beautiful old bed and breakfast home on a cow and corn farm in Lancaster, PA, that had been converted into an apartment for us to live in for the year. Many memories were made. Our children learned to skate, ride bikes, and had lots of experiences of life in the USA. It was a fun and replenishing year squeezing in all we could with family and friends, thinking all the time we would be returning to the Philippines soon for another 4 more years. Only to find out God would be prompting us toward a different direction.


“God are you calling us back to the States?” Like Samson in the Bible, we at first ignored these promptings. “Surely God wouldn’t be calling us back. There is still work to be done in the Philippines.” Again, “God are you really (3x) calling us back to the States? Lord, the US is a nice place to visit but we don’t want to live here.” (more…)

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I DON’T LIKE TENNIS!

We Plan But God Directs

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“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9 (ESV)

When you were young was there a sport or hobby, or a skill you were made to participate in or develop that you didn’t like? Or something you were working hard on but it didn’t turn out the way you felt it should have, wasting all of your time?    

When I was young, tennis was something my grandmother and aunt played and desired for me. It was the known game of the “elite” (those with more financial means, usually those with power and influence or privilege). I didn’t consider myself “those people”. I thought, to be “one” of them meant you weren’t friendly to others less fortunate than you.

But because I loved and was taught to respect my grandmother I took the tennis lessons she paid for. I learned the basics of tennis but never really developed my form. Oh how my grandmother would be smiling today if she were to see me. Presently, Jim and I play several times a week. I’ve come a long way since those formative years. (more…)

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TEARS IN A BOTTLE

Grieving well

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“You have taken account of my wanderings, put my tears in Your bottle; are they not in your book?” (Psalm 56:8)  (NASB)

When I share my heart, tears just seem to flow unexpectedly. Feeling uncomfortable I say “I am sorry” followed by excuses as to why.

When I read from Scripture I draw encouragement from Paul’s tears, a great strong image of a man. In Acts 20:19, it says “as he served the Lord in all humility, he had many tears and trials.” Also in 2 Timothy 1:4 we see that Paul was mindful of even Timothy’s tears, a Church Planter.

Yet when I cry I somehow feel embarrassed. I am not sure where that feeling comes from but I find spilling tears, to be vulnerable. I cannot always predict or hold them back, they just come. How about you?

When I was recently attending a women’s retreat this past October 2016 (www.WomensDeveopmentTrack.com) one of the expectations of my small group was that we would not apologize for our tears, trying to make it a safe place to share. It was so freeing but I must say it wasn’t easy to break old habits.

This was the first public meeting I had been to since my younger sister’s passing last July, just 4 months earlier. To be honest, I was a little nervous about going, a little fearful even. I wanted to grieve well my sister’s death and not shortchange what God was doing in my heart. I was still wrestling with what it means to grieve well.

Many thoughts entered my mind: There will be strangers there? What will they ask me? Would I have anything to give them? Maybe I will share too much? Will they understand? I was already vulnerable in my grieving and the thought of putting myself in a more vulnerable situation was scary. Too much unknown in a season where I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling. What was I thinking signing up for this retreat? (more…)

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ARE YOU WORRIED?

His Mercies are New Each Day

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Philippines 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

As I was traveling today at 7:30 am, listening to music on my phone, the verse again that I had prayed to myself the day before popped into my head. His mercies and steadfast love are new each day from Lamentations. 3:22-23.

I had just come out of a normal medical procedure the week before that left me a little rattled. I am not getting any younger and each year the stakes get a little higher for medical examines coming out “positive”. However, from all outward appearance there was no reason for me to worry except for a few slight changes that concerned me. Of course those were the ones that I “naturally” honed in on.

Philippines 4:8 tells us to think on things that are good, pure, and truthful. I thought I was doing pretty good until the whole procedure was over and the results all came back a resounding “negative”.  It was then I felt my body relaxing. I was surprised I was worrying more then I wanted to let on.       (more…)