THE PRODIGAL THAT TURNED HOMEWARD
A FIVE PART SERIES
(Picture below: Shane, age 13+)
(Picture below: Taken 2019, age 29)
Dedicated to Shane, our only son of 4 kids, who has been sober from drugs and other things for 10 years now 2020
CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM GOD
“Unless the Lord Builds the house those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” PSALM 127:1-5
When my husband and I do travel, we often run into parents, especially moms, whose children aren’t walking with the Lord. Their hearts are broken and I understand their pain.
We have watched nine or more of our son’s friends die from drug related deaths. During our son, Shane’s, five year addiction with drugs, we wondered when his turn would come. Please read,“One Mother’s Journey of RAISING a Prodigal” (c) by Sterling O’Neill, a 5 part series as the story unfolds. Part 1: Shane’s Early Years (refer. to February 2020 blog article); Part 2: Years of Pain ; Part 3:High School Years; Part 4: Coming to End of the Line?; and Part 5: Changed Heart.
YEAR OF PAIN
Middle School Years (6th to 8th grade)
(Story taken from Shane’s 8th Grade but story didn’t begin here…)
(PART TWO)
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:14)
Shane, our third child and only boy, was a good kid. He was a very congenial child. After having two girls, Jim and I prayed many months that our next child would be a male. All were thrilled, “ITS A BOY!”
He loved and wanted to please us but as time went on he began to also want to please his friends. He also had a curious mind. His curiosity of the world and wanting to fit in at age 13 started gripping his heart. He began to question God, too, asking, “What is life all about?”
Watching his two older sisters go through their teenage years, asking their share of questions, we often would just chalk it up to Shane’s age and stage of life. But Shane seemed to be more intense with his questions.
The Principal of the middle school Shane attended often said, “ The kids that don’t ask questions are the ones that scare me, because when they get to college and out on on their own so many young people usually fall away from the Lord. But if they ask questions while in middle school or high school at least they are still under your rooftop and you can be there to answer their questions and guide them through it. Atleast you know then what is in their hearts and you can direct them as best as possible.” This encouraged us.
At the beginning of 8th grade, Shane’s heart did begin to reveal itself. Shane and his friends began to ask, “What would it be like to get drunk?” “It can’t hurt to try a little alcohol,” he casually thought. “No one will know.”
Does this sound like a story in the Old Testament? In Genesis 3:1-7 we learn how Satan tempted Adam and Eve. God told them they could have everything in the garden but were told only one thing they could not eat or touch, The Tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil. (ref. also Gen. 2:9) If they did they would surely die.
Satan, also called the serpent, was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. (Gen. 3:1) He told Eve, “Oh, one bite won’t hurt. God knows if you take of it you will be like Him and will know good and evil. You surely won’t die.“ Satan was already twisting God’s words calling God a liar. God’s Word continues to say in verse 6 of Genesis 3, when Eve saw, The Tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate and she also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate.
Because of Adam’s sin of disobeying, we read in the New Testament in Romans 5:12: just as sin came into the world through one man, (Adam) and death through sin and so death spread to all men because all sinned. We now all sin!
So, when the opportunity came for our son to sin, he did. He got caught and was suspended from school for 3 days. I thought, “not so bad, I got suspended my 8th grade for smoking”. Don’t smile, I did!
“Okay he got it out of his system. Hopefully this will be the last of this. Surely, he learned his lesson!”
Little did we know this was not to be the case. On the outside he was doing what was good but his heart was saying something else.
At the end of 8th grade all within a four-month span, Shane’s paternal grandfather died, his “girlfriend” was raped, his aunt committed suicide, and 3 of his great aunts died. He didn’t know them, too well, but this was just “icing on the cake” coming off the other tragic situations.
No kid his age should go through so much death in such a short time and so many funerals. This sent Shane on a track of depression and anger and us on a journey that we had never been on before with any of our other children. He questioned us and God even more.
It took a whole year to get Shane over the deep depression and get our son, as we knew him, back emotionally. We were committed to this process. But this still left Shane angry. We would ask him, “Why are you so angry? You have a nice family and a stable home, with a mom and dad who love you. What is it Shane?“
His response, “I feel like God is whipping me around. If this is what your God allows (referring to all the pain he was feeling) I do not want anything to do with Him.” At least he was honest with us. We knew then what was in his heart.
Shane grew to see God as a distant God who made things happen to people, like we were puppets in God’s hands. He thought, no matter what anyone wants to be, God makes them into what He wanted or allowed what He wanted to happen.
Can you already see how Satan had twisted the truth about who God is, in the eyes of Shane? Just like he did with Adam and Eve. This now affected his next decisions.
He had choices to make: take the path of God or the path of the world. Tune in next to Part 3 of a 5 part series on “One Mother’s Journey of RAISING a Prodigal” by Sterling O’Neill in the next blog entry to find out more on Shane and the Prodigal Turning Homeward.
PRINCIPLE 2: GOD CARES ABOUT OUR HEARTS: CHILD AND PARENT’S!
FIVE THINGS WE PRACTICED
A. Practice asking your child good questions!
It shows you care about what is in the heart of your child. Make sure you listen well because it is an opportunity for disciplesship!
When Shane would ask me questions and challenage them I often did not have answers for the pain in his life or why God did this or that.
So I would answer with “Good question or thought Shane. I don’t know. I can’t answer that one. All I can say is God is good! And I can trust
him. I am sorry this has happened. Trying not to give him pat answers.
When Shane would ask something that we didn’t quite agree with, or wanted to think the worse we would first ask him what his thoughts were on why he wanted to do something.
If he had a good reason, we would use as a way to affirm or modify, if needed. Opportunity to meet him half way. Often surprised, in a good way, the way he thought
How have you practiced asking good probbing questions and listening to your child(ren), this week? What did you learn differently about them that you didn’t know before because you took time to ask and listen?
B. God uses situations to draw out the issues of the heart.
He is using all this to disciple you and your child’s heart. However, do not act surprised, if you can, when they tell you what they really are thinking. You will know how to pray for and work with them.
With my kids especially Shane, he would challenage my faith, and the reasons I was asking things of him. What was my motivates for asking Shane to wear or do certain things. Was it convictions or preferences? Did I do things out of fear? I often live by principles, years of living. Shane at that stage in life, understood logic and was quick to answer. It often sounded reasonable but totally different than me. But not necessarily right or wrong. Was it a female or male thing, or a mom, son thing?
Yes, I made many mistakes but I had to practice when to keep my mouth shut and listen well and when to speak up. Often if not sure I would wait, pray, then I would get back to him. He was still my child and he had to obey but if I didn’t listen well, I might not be the person I am today. I learned much from Shane. I also had many teachable moments with him. We both learned. It had to start with me first though.
How can you cultivate a safe place for your child to open up to you and share? What is God drawing out of your heart first?
C. What does your child believe about God?
Ask him/her and talk about it. Don’t let your fear hold you back. Make sure you listen and don’t react negatively. If you do,
just be real with your child in communicating with them. You are not perfect either. You might find you will learn
something yourself and you will grow together. Which Shane and I did. Over time his perspective helped me communicate my thoughts
better and angles I hadn’t thought of. My questions helped him understand himself better too. On hearing his heart I could pray more
specifically for him.
What further questions can you ask to clarify what your child is trying to say before assuming you know the answers? You may be
surprised by their answers.
D. Do not give up on your children.
They need to know you love them. You may be the only light of God in their lives. They need to know someone is fighting for them.
We worked with Shane, one issue at a time, going through situations as they came up or got help etc… We found anything that would
keep lines of communications open and keep Shane working through his own issues and our own hearts, pure before our son and the Lord.
We often found activities fun for all that would build fun and trust. His dad would take Shane out for a meal and do small talk to
just keep in front of Shane. We would invite his friends over to let him know we loved him. So when the hard subjects came up he would
know that we weren’t always on him. This was not always easy because of the breakdown of trust but we found ways to love him inspite
of himself. He is our child and a gift from God.
What ways can you find to keep getting in front of your child?
E. Always Pray!
Keep your heart close to God. As parents because we love much we often can grieve much when our child(ren) especially make bad
decisions. Remember God is not finished with them and desires our child(ren) to come to him. Not a reflection on you but reveals
what is going on in their heart. They often learn themselves through their own choices. God is using you to come alongside them
in this journey. So pray and use those teachable moments as the opportunities come up. Not always an easy path.
How might you be coming alongside your child(ren) to pray for them?
PERSONAL REFLECTION:What good or bad memories and/or characteristics can you remember of your child as they grow/grew up? What truths can you draw from our story and lessons learned that can help you with your own child(ren) at this stage? What are some ways or questions you can ask to find out about their heart and/or what they think of God? Please tell us a story in the comment section of the blog “Years of Pain”.
*NOTE: This is our journey with Shane. Principles may or may not help in the midst of the unknown. Sometimes you may need outside help wihch doesn’t make you a failure. We are in a spiritual warfare for the souls of our kids. Use these princilples as you feel guided by the Lord for your child and wisdom of those you trust. We are all walking by faith and need Jesus.
From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey,
Please Reply in a gracious manner