Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
In those times where my heart feels divided I have to reclaim my allegiance to God in that moment. I remember a time in high school I had a divided heart; I knew something wasn’t right. I wanted man’s approval as well as God’s. Therefore I felt like a wave tossed back and forth, like the book of James tells us in chapter one. I was miserable. Can you think of a time you felt this way? or Maybe you are feeling that way right now?
Feeling of Rejection:
I entered high school in 9th grade, around 1973, this was the 4th school I had attended since 6th grade. I wanted to have friends so badly. I tried to make friends with everyone but just about the time I got close to someone I would pull away. I was afraid of them hurting me! So I thought. I just couldn’t take the feeling of rejection any more. I didn’t know it at the time but God was using all these transitions and experiences to help prepare me for the work He would have for me today in mission work.
When I got to the Philippines in 1982 as a new missionary, I realized in order for people to get to know Jesus, they had to get to know me first. I had to learn to make friends with many people that were different than me. Those skills of making friends with everyone came in handy. But in high school I didn’t understand it at all.
Wrestling with God:
While in high school I even connected to various Christian groups like Young Life, A Christian camp, and a local church Youth Group that took me on short missional trips within the US. Thinking, “Maybe these groups are the answer to what my soul is looking for.”
Even before I knew Jesus as my Savior, Bob Jones University students also used to witness to me. You see, our home was right behind the school. My mom had taught us to respect all kinds of religions. I would listen to them, shake my head, smile, then go on my merry way.
All through high school I feared that God would take my life or reject me because I wasn’t living the way I thought He wanted me to. During the week I would live like a hypocrite and during the weekends at camp or at Young Life groups rededicate my life to Christ. I didn’t know how to study the Bible and walk in the Spirit. I didn’t know how to trust God, and claim His Word as truth. There was something missing and I knew it!
Someone looking into my life might say I had a good life other than my parents being divorced. I had a good home, and parents who provided for my needs but I still felt alone and thought I needed more. My heart often felt divided and unsettled. I often feel this when going through transitions or grieving times and I have to again reclaim my allegiance to Christ, my God and Lord.
Insecurities:
I had a learning disability all through my school years that I didn’t know I had and I compensated for. Years later I learned of the influence it had on my life; All the insecurities with education and my self esteem. I had to work twice as hard in order to get good grades of any kind. All this translates into my life and whom I am today.
God’s Footprints:
I did meet one girlfriend who was a Christian in High School. I carpooled with her to school everyday. Her name was Terri and she was happy all the time! I couldn’t understand her love for life so much. It even made me angry at times. “Why is she so happy all the time and I am not? No one can be that joyful!” Her joy came from knowing Jesus as her Lord.
I was still trying to find my way with one foot in the world and one foot with Christianity. God used these organizations, Camp Awanita, and Young Life, as well as Terri to keep my heart from straying too far from God, during those turbulent years of teenage life.
It wouldn’t be till years later that I would understand and see his footprints. Life is still full of ups and downs but today I know it is Jesus that is the archer, the Lord of my life. The one that I can call upon especially in those times when my heart feels broken, and/or divided.
(Tribute to Terri, Age 18, who died in a car accident graduation night, 1977)
As life weighs in on you, may God create in you a clean heart, and may He renew a steadfast spirit within you. May you once again in those moments turn to him, call upon Him, and claim your allegiance to Him. He is working in and through you.
Personal Reflection: Has there been a time when your heart felt divided with insecurities, feelings of rejection, grief, change or just wrestling with God with one foot in the world and the other one with Jesus? What things impacted your life during that time that caused you to have a divided heart? Can you now see God’s footprints in any of them, in how God used those times to bring you to where you are today? May I suggest you read Psalm 139 and Bobby Clinton’s book “The Making of a Leader”. Please tell us one of your stories in the comment section in “A Heart not grounded in Christ is Divided”.
From One Pilgrim to another together on the journey
”Consider how you may spur one another on towards love and good deeds….. encouraging one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)
Please Reply in a gracious manner